Mahou (Five Star)

Mahou is made from gently "milking" the sperm from a 3 year old bull (not 2, not 4, has to be 3). This "milk" is added to the vomit of five touristas who drank too much and vomited their last four meals into the gutter of their over-priced hotel. Then, to add some spice to this most refined mixture, add the maggots that have been scrapped off a side of rancid veal.

All of this is put into a mash tun with some smelly and weavil-infested grain, and mashed at 182 for 60-90 minutes to ensure all of the vomit&sperm sugars are converted by the enzymes. After sparging with the grey water straight from the local sewage treatment plant, the toxic pseudo-wort is boiled for 90 minutes.

The oldest, cheesiest smelling hops are added -- a whole handful for a 500 gallon batch! And then it's crash-cooled, to ensure that all that yummy buttery dyacytel is captured in the beer, and splashed around on it's way to the fermentation tanks, to ensure that wonderful "wet cardboard" oxidized taste come through in the end, too.

Pitching old 17th+ generation yeast, these single-cell creatures convert the sugars in the wort into CO2 and alcohol. The sulfur smell is captured during this process, and re-injected into the beer: waste not, want not! And then the beer is lagered (i.e. stored cold) for upwards of 1-2 HOURS, in order to ensure a harsh, undrinkable, and throughly disgusting beer for you and I to fall in love with again and again.

It really is a beautiful story.

Save me a stall in the restroom for when we can have a bonding experience vomiting this most horrible beer out of our bodies..., together.

United as one, our love of Mahou will never waver.

Peace.

//TB